


The Hologram Below

by DivineVarod



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Angst and Feels, Depression, Friendship, Hiding, Hurt, Inner Dialogue, M/M, Marooned, Pre-Slash, Series 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-07-27 12:17:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7617799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineVarod/pseuds/DivineVarod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events in Marooned a hurt Rimmer hides away in Red Dwarf's deepest catacombs to think about all the things he could not tell Lister to his face on the ice planet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hologram Below

I don't know how long it's been. All I know is that it's longer than days and probably shorter than a month. It's so lonely and I'm so scared sometimes … But I know, I know I can't go back there, not after this. Not after what you did to me.  
When we returned here all I could think was: away! Away from you, away from the pain, down, down, lower, lower. Till I came here, and I've been here ever since.  
Most of the time I just lay here, curled up on the floor, shivering, crying, trying to forget, I desperately want to forget. But I can't.  
  
What hurts the most is not the loss of my physical possessions it is the loss of hope.  
It wasn't what you did to that chest, it was the betrayal, the lie. For a moment I thought you did respect me, that you didn't think I was nothing just because I'm only light. I thought that maybe you did care, that I'd reached you at last.  
It had been so … humiliating those first few days. The condescending way you looked at me, talked to me about that trunk, my possessions … As if the fact that I'm a hologram suddenly makes me not allowed to own anything.  
I still have my memories. My dreams that the trunk and it's contents reminded me of.  
  
The money I saved … not for a rainy day. I saved it for my dream. I never talked about it the way you did. I never talked about it with anyone, out of fear they'd laugh at me … or hurt me, like my father did. But I had a plan too.  
One day, after I'd been an on board officer for a few years I would leave the Space Corp with honours. Then I could finally rest and do what I'd truly wanted. I'd go to earth and buy a house somewhere in a forest and live my life in peace. I'd have made my family proud and would be free, finally free. Free to paint, to make art and read. Read those books that were in there.  
How could I tell you that the reason I'd barely read any of them was because I was always studying?  
  
Later when I realised that that dream would never come true my plan changed. You always thought I'd hated you back then, when I was alive. But … No I can't entertain that thought again.  
All I know is that … I understood your dream. When you'd leave at the end of our journey I'd planned to hand you that money, tell you that I love you and disappear. I knew I never had a chance with you, but that way I would have always been with you in a way. I had planned to do the same now when we'd reach earth and you'd switch me of, because you would no longer need me.  
  
In a way I still gave you the money, sacrificed it to keep you alive. But now it just leaves me with nothing, empty. Listy, I wanted to protect you. I did what I could, but all you did was say that it didn't matter for me, because I am dead, because you think I can't feel. I know, I know you were in torment back there but isn't it then that our true feelings come out?  
  
Tears again … they've barely stopped since I came here.  
The door opens. You've found me. I can't see you, as my back is to the door, but I know it's you, because I know your footsteps.  
  
“Rimmer …?”  
  
You sound upset, but I can't reply, I just can't talk to you Lister, it hurts too much.  
  
“Rimmer, please, it's been weeks!”

Damn it, why can't you just stay away Lister! Why don't you realise that you keep hurting me. There is only so many times before it gets too much!  
  
“Just come back upstairs. I was the wrong one here. It should be me hiding away, not you.”

No reply, I have no words.  
  
“I saved one …”  
  
Your shadow suddenly falls over my face, as you put a tiny soldier next to me. I can't see much, as my eyes are swollen from endless crying, but I can see your hand is in bandages. You really burned yourself for me? That … that must mean something …  
I can't speak, not yet. But I know that soon, very soon I will forgive you … again.


End file.
